A Djinn, Lotta Fairies and Sundry Gods by Gregory Edward Flood - HTML preview

Author’s Note

Best performed drunk.

 

The scene is the courtyard in front of the foreboding castle of Agamemnon and Clytemnestra. Upstage are the regulation every-Greek-tragedy-you’ve-ever-seen ominous double doors leading into the castle. Enter Cassandra, looking less than regal in her tattered robes, dusty sandals and crown of withered laurel leaves. A cigarette hangs pugnaciously from the corner of her mouth. She is a chain smoker, as we will see. She stops center, hands on hips, and peruses her surroundings.

  

Cassandra

So, this is Argos, huh? Boy, what a nothing joint this turned out to be. Geez, and I thought Troy was in the middle of nowhere. This must be the armpit of the Universe. No.

(She points to the castle)

No. He’s the armpit of the Universe. Agamemnon. Kind of a big deal. When he docked his boat just now his old lady was down there like a bat outta Hell. Horny-lookin old thing. Where the hell is everybody? He’s been gone for ten years, you’d at least think they’d want to know who won the fuckin’ war.

(shouts)

Anybody home!

(Pause)

Hey! Lets get some pagan revelries goin’ here!

Angry Voice

Shutup out there! People are trying to sleep!

Cassandra

Who said that!

Angry Voice

I did!

Cassandra

Yeah, well, this is Cassandra you’re talkin’ to, asshole!

Angry Voice

Who?

Cassandra

Cassandra!

(pause)

Angry Voice

Cassandra who?

Cassandra

(for the thousandth time)

Cassandra the Prophetess, Princess of Troy, who was beloved of the god Apollo and given the gift of prophecy by him, but she spurned him and so he put a curse on her so that now nobody believes anything I say, that Cassandra!

Angry Voice

You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?

Cassandra

Yeah!

Angry Voice

(pause)

I don’t believe it!

Cassandra

Every time.

(shouts)

Go to sleep, clown! Its past your bedtime!

Angry Voice

Tell me about it!

Cassandra

(Cassandra turns her attention to her surroundings) All this place need is some apples in a tub and a couple of Jack O’Lanterns and we can have Halloween.

(Enter, screaming and howling, the Furies, Alecto with her torch, Tisiphone with her whip and Megaera with her sickle. They are in curlers and frowsy housecoats and are a dark, bilious green in color. Cassandra screams and flattens against a column.) Cassandra

I got a biiig mouth!

Alecto

Tremble, mortal!

Tisiphone

Thine acts of blood…

Megaera

Must now come to account

(pause)

Cassandra

Jesus Christ!

The Furies

Who?

Cassandra

Whatever. What are you done up for, the spring cotillion?

Alecto

We are Alecto!

Tisiphone

Tisiphone!

Megaera

And Megaera!

Cassandra

So, you’re what? A singing group?

Alecto

We are the Furies!

Cassandra

The Furies!

(They howl and scream)

Okay, okay, you’re the Furies. Geez.

Angry Voice

Shutup out there!

(The Furies glare ominously and move slowly towards the voice)

Cassandra

Uh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Buddy! Calm down, girls.

Angry Voice

So who are you!

Cassandra

Cassandra the Prophetess!

Angry Voice

(Pause)

I don’t believe it!

Cassandra

I’m really starting to hate him.

Alecto

You want us to waste him for you, Dearie?

Cassandra

No, no, that’s okay. Now look, what are you guys doing here and in the middle of the night?

Alecto

They sent us over to torment Orestes for the murder of his mother, Clytemnestra!

(They howl and scream)

Cassandra

Well, Orestes ain’t here!

(The Furies are confused)

Megaera

This is the Orestaia, isn’t it?

Cassandra

Yeah, but this is the Agamemnon, you guys don’t show up until the Eumenides.

Tisiphone

Goddammit, I told you we’d be early!

Alecto

(sighs)

Well, come one, girls, let’s go home.

Cassandra

No, look, stick around, you can be the chorus.

Tisiphone

Why should we be the chorus? Where are the elders of Argos?

Cassandra

They’re asleep. Its three o’clock in the morning, for Chrisssake.

Tisiphone

(Pause)

Well…

Megaera

What do we have to do?

Cassandra

Its easy. You just have to groan a lot and dance at the important places.

Megaera

Well, okay, well give it a try.

Alecto

Say, who are you anyway?

Cassandra

I’m Cassandra the Prophetess.

Alecto

You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?

Cassandra

Yeah.

Alecto

I don’t…

Cassandra

Don’t say it, bitch.

Tisiphone

Oh, she’s the one with the curse so that nobody believes anything she says.

Cassandra

Yeah. Nobody laughs at my jokes, either.

Megaera

Tough break, dearie.

Alecto

Nobody laughs at your jokes?

Cassandra

Nope.

Alecto

I don’t believe it.

Cassandra

(Sighs)

Okay, I’ll prove it to you. I’m gonna tell you a joke. You won’t laugh.

Tisiphone

Oh, Sweetie, well laugh for you! Right, girls?

(The sisters agree)

Cassandra

Well, okay. This guy in Athens walks into a tailor shop and holds up these two togas with big tears in them. The tailor looks up and says, You rip a-dese? And the guy says, You, menna dese?

(Pause. Cassandra is waiting for the laugh. The Furies are waiting for the punch-line) Forget it! Forget it!

Megaera

I hope you weren’t planning on a career in politics, dear.

Cassandra

What would I run for? Queen?

Megaera

That’s true.

Cassandra

Besides, to be a politician, you gotta be able to lie and make people believe it. I tell the truth and nobody believes it.

Tisiphone

Oh, I don’t believe that.

Cassandra

Ah, shutup.

Megaera

Wheres your boyfriend Oedipus?

Cassandra

Agamemnon. Oedipus is the guy with the limp who answered the riddle of the Sphinx monster, married his mother and poked out his eyes. Agamemnon is the limp guy who poked his mother, married a monster and doesn’t know the answer to anything.

Megaera

I always get them mixed up.

Cassandra

(Looking skyward)

What?

Megaera

I said I always get…

Cassandra

Sh, sh, sh.

(Continues to stare upwards)

Megaera

Whats she doing?

(Pause)

Alecto

I don’t know.

(Pause)

Tisiphone

Maybe she’s making a wish.

(Alecto and Megaera stare at Tisiphone; she shrugs)

Cassandra

You don’t say?

(Pause)

You don’t say?

(Pause)

You don’t say. Hmph.

The Furies

Who was it?

Cassandra

He didn’t say.

Alecto

What did you just do?

Cassandra

I just got a telegram from the boys upstairs.

Tisiphone

Whats a telegram?

Cassandra

Its like a prophecy, only faster.

Megaera

What did it say?

Cassandra

Well…hey, why should I tell you? You won’t believe me!

Alecto

Oh, don’t be paranoid, dear.

Cassandra

You won’t!

Tisiphone

What did they say?

Cassandra

Okay. Clytemnestra, she’s in there right now with Agamemnon?

Megaera

Yeah?

Cassandra

She’s gonna kill him!

Alecto

Clytemnestra is gonna kill Agamemnon?

Cassandra

Yup.

The Furies

I don’t believe it.

(Suddenly, a bell is heard clanging and the rumble of an approaching train. Lights from the trains windows move across the stage, maybe a hiss of steam. The train screeches to a halt. The Furies are terrified.)

Conductor’s Voice

Argos! All passengers for Argos!

Tisiphone

Whats that!

Cassandra

What does it look like!

Megaera

Incredible!

Cassandra

Yeah. I didnt know the A-train stopped at Argos.

Alecto

There are people coming out of it!

Cassandra

Well. I wondered how long it would take those assholes to show up.

Tisiphone

Who’s the guy in the gold lammé?

Cassandra

Well, it aint Brad Pitt.

The Furies

Who?

Cassandra

Forget it.

Conductor’s Voice

All aboard for Thebes! Thebes is next!

(The train departs noisily. Enter Apollo, Athena and Hermes. They look like Apollo, Athena and Hermes.)

Apollo

So, this is Argos. Boy, what a nothing joint this turned out to be.

(Sees Cassandra)

Cassandra! Baby!

Cassandra

Fuck off, Tinsel-Toga.

Apollo

What kind of way is that to talk?

Cassandra

I should be glad to see you? Girls, this is Apollo, the god of light. Better known as the Golden Rat. These are the Furies.

Apollo

Uh, hi.

Alecto

Hello.

Tisiphone

Its an honor.

Megaera

I’ve admired your work.

Cassandra

(looking skyward)

What now?

(pause)

Are you shitting me?

(pause)

Figures. Jeez.

Tisiphone

What was that?

Cassandra

Second telegram.

Apollo

What’s up, doll?

Cassandra

End the road, “doll. “

Apollo

What now?

Cassandra

First Agamemnon, then me.

Alecto

You poor darling.

Cassandra

Yeah, well, that’s mythology for ya.

Apollo

Who authorized that!

Athena

Don’t look at me. Its not my department.

Hermes

Name on the order reads A-P-L-L-O.

Apollo

What!

Cassandra

That’ll teach you to read what you’re signing.

Apollo

Cassandra, I…

Cassandra

Forget it! Everybody has a bad day once in a while.

Hermes

You’re Cassandra the Prophetess?

Cassandra

Yeah.

Hermes

(Pause)

Hard to believe.

Apollo

Is that why you’re here? As conductor of the dead?

Hermes

Yeah, and could you sort of step on it? Apollo goes on duty in a minute and I’ve got an appointment in Samarra.

Cassandra

Oh, I’ll just run right in there, sure, it’ll only take a second.

Hermes

Crusty little thing, arent you?

Cassandra

Yeah.

Hermes

(To Apollo)

Bet she goes down for a drachma.

Cassandra

Hey!

Athena

Hermie, come look! Agamemnon’s getting into the bath tub.

(All except Cassandra cluster together to watch Agamemnon’s murder.) She’s got the sword behind her back.

Hermes

He’s reaching for the soap!

Agamemnons Voice

Ohhhh, Shiiiiit!

(They cheer. Pause. They wait expectantly. Pause. They frown.) Athena

That’s it?

Cassandra

You were expecting a brass band?

Athena

That’s all? That they call classical tragedy? Boy, wait’ll I tell Dionysus.

Hermes

(Sadly)

It’s always like that.

Apollo

(To Hermes)

You watch that kind of thing all day?

Hermes

Its a job.

Athena

Well. Come on, lets catch the train back.

Apollo

What a waste.

Athena

Lets go to that little town in Italy. Something about two brothers having a fight. Romo and Remo, something.

(Exit)

Alecto

Hey, Sweetie, is this one of the important parts were supposed to dance at?

Cassandra

About as important as any, Sister.

Alecto

Hit it, girls!

(Humming, they begin to dance about. Or maybe a tap dance number. They commandeer Hermes)

Hermes

(To Cassandra)

Look, will you get in there? Some of us have a busy day!

Cassandra

Go on in, I’m comin’.

Hermes

(As he and the Furies dance into the palace)

Oh, Mary, I’ll have to carry both those stiffs myself!

Alecto

Who’s Mary?

Hermes

Never mind.

(Exuent Hermes and the Furies)

Apollo

Sorry about the mix-up, Doll.

Cassandra

Hey, you’re the Sun God, you’ve got a lot to think about.

Apollo

No hard feelings?

Cassandra

I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.

Apollo

Nothing I can do for you?

Cassandra

Nah. Take it easy, huh?

(Hermes returns)

Hermes

Come on, woman!

Cassandra

I’m comin’, I’m comin’!

(Exit Hermes)

Angry Voice

Shutup out there!

Cassandra

Shutup yourself!

Angry Voice

Who said that!

Cassandra

I did!

Angry Voice

Who’re you!

Cassandra

Cassandra!

Angry Voice

Cassandra who!

Cassandra

Cassandra the Prophetess!

(Pause)

Angry Voice

You’re Cassandra the Prophetess!

Cassandra

Yeah!

(Pause)

Angry Voice

Wow!

(Cassandra is surprised and pleased; she looks at Apollo)

Cassandra

Thanks, honey. I appreciate it.

Apollo

Da nada. It was the least I could do. Knock-em dead, kid.

(Exit Apollo)

Cassandra

Funny you should put it that way.

Angry Voice

What?!

Cassandra

I said funny you should put it that way!

Angry Voice

What are you talking about?

Cassandra

Never mind. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

(She tosses her lit cigarette butt center stage. She turns and walk slowly into the palace as the lights fade to black.)